Attachment parenting, Gentle parenting, natural
parenting...why do we feel we need to put a label on what kind of parenting we
practice? How about survival parenting? If I had to choose a label for what I do,
that would be it. Don't get me wrong, like most first time parents, I had
illusions of grandeur when my daughter was born. I am never going to let her
cry, or give her that poison labeled formula, or put her in that torture device
called a stroller. Attachment parenting
was the it thing. As she got older the
perfection meter became the type of foods she ate-- jarred, homemade, junk
food, organic... Eventually it becomes
public, private, or homeschool--the mother of all awesomeness being Montessori
of course. Don't you want the best for
your kids?
The problem is in the assumption that parents who don't
do it your way don't want the best.
There is no room for just loving and providing the best you can. Parenting is an all-or-nothing, ruthless
popularity club reminiscent of high school. Unfortunately, the unpopular kids are dejected to the
sidelines where they must forge their own way as best they can.
Well, I have good news for you. Survival parenting accepts you into the
club. The only hardfast rules are that
you must love your child immensely and make decisions based on the best you can
do with your current situation. Let's
take a look at a few examples.
Pregnancy
Obviously drinking, drugs, etc is a no-no. But who am I to tell a 30 week prey to that
she can't have McDonald's fries because they might instantly set up her child
for a lifetime of diabetes. Give me a
break. Have the damn fries, you deserve
it.
Labor
Now, I'm all for doing research and making your own
decision on how labor should be. The
Business of Being Born is a great film and I invite all pregnant women to watch
it. Birth is a beautiful, natural thing
and it's in the mother's and baby's best
interest that it be kept that way. But
honestly, it is not a walk in the park or a vacation through France. So leave your expectations and your birth
plan at home. Find a great midwife, OB,
and/or doula that knows and cares about what's important to you and listen to
your body. I had two medicated births
and one natural and hands down, the natural one has a special place in my
heart. But it's not for everyone. So don't let people try to convince you that
setting up a pool in your living room for you and you hubby to float around in
your vagina juices and planting your gross, bloody placenta in you back yard is
the only way. If it's not for you, it's
not for you. Yes, I understand the
placenta sustained my beautiful baby in vitro.
So did all the food I ate and was never fond of seeing it come out of my
hind quarters either.
Breast or Formula
Breast is USUALLY best.
Not going to argue that. But you
have to go with your gut and examine why your making the decision to do one or
the other. If it's a selfish reason, it
doesn't fit in to our survival parenting motto.
If it's just not physically possible or decreasing yours and baby's
quality of life, as in the case of allergies and exclusive pumping, then thanks
for trying. Move on without guilt. I breastfeed all of my children and was
fortunate to make it through some medical issues. I loved it and I was blessed, nothing
less. It's not the case with everyone.
And for one final issue to touch on today...
Sleep
You wouldn't believe how many people on these natural
parenting forums complain about lack of sleep. Well, most parents do, but even
more so. "I'm at my wits end. My 10 month old won't sleep without my boob
in her mouth. I can't get anything done. I haven't seen my husband in the past
week. I'm desperate. Please help. Oh, but I absolutely will not let her
cry."
Well, let me tell ya, that's going to be a rough one. At
10 months your child doesn't need nutrition at night, so sorry, but you're
nothing more than a glorified pacifier. Of course, you probably refused to use
one for fear that she wouldn't breastfeed, which is not necessarily true.
Crying is not going to kill your child, it is not going to scar them for life
and they are not going to sleep in despair thinking they may never see you
again. Of course, I'm not advocating abuse and letting your child cry for no
reason. But teaching a child to sleep is important for their development, they
NEED healthy, uninterrupted sleep.
If cry-it-out is not for you, then it's not for you. But
don't bash the mothers that love their children enough to realize what's in
their best interest. And yes, in the mom's best unselfish interest too, because
it's hard to parent when you've been sleep deprived for months, can't
concentrate at work, can't make proper decisions and start to resent your
child. Crying works and the children wake up loving and expecting you the next
day because believe it or not, babies are not stupid. And after a good night's
sleep, they are immaculate little gentle beings ready to absorb the work like
sponges.
"But what about those cultures where children never
cry and bed-sharing, that helps." Those cultures are awesome and I'm all
for the family bed. I'm not so inspired to go to bed at sundown, which is when
children should naturally go to bed. Actually, if you want to go with true
natural living, it's the time everyone should go down. That's the way they did
it before electricity, remember? But if the thought of catching up on Grey's
Anatomy or chatting alone with your man and a well-deserved glass of wine
excite you, then I'm sorry, you've been modernized, your concept of parenting
needs to be modernized too.
So now you get the general concept, at least through the
early stages. Remember there is no rule book, just the general concept of
survival and love. If you are stressing out, twitching from sleep deprivation,
or comparing yourself to the cool kids, you're doing something wrong. Parenting
is a great experience. Love your kids, let go of the guilt, and have fun! Your
kids will thank you for it.
