Who do you love?

I think I've reached the point in my life and my marriage, where I can say, with all the maturity and sophistication in the world, that Valentine's Day is legit, just another useless "holiday" on the calendar.  My husband and I know we love each other and we try our best to show each other everyday.  My tween girls are over it, aside from the prospect of extra chocolate, especially tomorrow when it goes on sale!

But my babies still enjoy it, so I have to admit that I did get up at the break of dawn to make heart-shaped chocolate-chip pancakes.  And it made my heart happy that everyone was excited this morning.

But it only made me happy for a while.

Because shortly after eating a pancake, I received a visit from one of my gremlins.  You know that gremlin that visits to tell you that you're a bad person, or ugly, or in my case, too fat to be eating chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast?   

Yeah, that one.

And how quickly the spiral of self hate begins:
"You're a mess"
"You're not good enough"
"You're failing at life"


I know a lot of this stems from years of battling depression, but I also know I'm not the only one.  We all do this to ourselves.  It starts sometime around the age of 6.  I know because my two youngest children still think they're the center of the universe and can do no wrong.  But my tweens, I know they're starting to face these gremlins.  And it terrifies me.  Because I hate the thought of someone I love so much seeing themselves as less than I see them.

My children are hardly perfect--actually, they're pretty close, but they have their little things.  You know what I mean.  We all have those little faults.  But I couldn't imagine for one minute not loving them for being exactly who they are, including "those little things" that make them not so perfect.  But why can't I love those things in myself?  How can looking at a picture of myself or in the mirror bring so much disgust to my throat?  I know people who love me don't see me that way, but I do.

So many of us do.  Which is a shame because the one person we can't get rid of, is ourselves.  We know we should love ourselves, but we can't.  At least we think we can't.



If I were to ask you on this here Valentine's Day, who do you love?  Who are the 3 most important people in your life?  You'd probably say, "My significant other" or "my children", "mom", etc. Who would actually put themselves on that list and mean it?
And I don't mean that vain form of self-love and selfishness, which is often just a cover-up for insecurity.  I mean the same type of unconditional love you feel for your spouse or your children.  The same kind of love our creator has for us.

Coincidentally, today is also Ash Wednesday, which I don't "observe" per se, but it still a reminder to do a little reflection.  A reminder that all these little imperfections that aren't really facebook-post-worthy are still a part of who we are and what makes God love us.

Yes, even our actual faults.  Because sometimes embracing that we are by nature, shy, or lazy, or indulgent, or you name it...opens the door for us to overcome those weaknesses, or use them to inspire others.  It allows Grace to be sufficient for us.

My depression is probably the #1 item on my list of self-hates.  That is definitely a post (or several) in itself.  But while it is the biggest battle I have to face almost daily, I know it also gives me the gift of introspection and is a constant reminder to show my family how much I love them.

So today, I am choosing to love myself.  Depression and all.  Faults and all.  And I will go for a run.  Not because I ate too much, but because it is a beautiful day and I want to bask in it and feel good.

I am going to love myself.