I saw the film CUTIES and it was much WORSE than I expected

I'm fairly open minded.  I'm not ultra-liberal, but I'm progressive enough.  I don't shy away from the hard truths.  I don't shelter my children from them either.  So this is my preface to explain why I even considered watching the film, Cuties.  

And after weighing all the different sides, my family decided we needed to watch it for ourselves to make an informed decision.  It seemed like an important issue that needed more exposure.  And it would be a good foray for discussion with my teens.  And it was made by a black woman who grew up in this culture, so lets give it a chance!

On the downside, would it promote the sexualization of girls?  I chalked that up to uptight conservatives make a big deal out of a non-issue.  It can't be worse than all the dance and beauty shows, right? 

I was wrong, it was definitely worse.

At the core, Cuties had so much potential.  The topic is important and timely.  A young girl grows up in a strict culture and suddenly finds herself facing a difficult family situation, when comes in contact with a group of dancers.  She immediately glorifies this lifestyle and becomes obsessed with it, as a way to escape her current reality, but doesn't realize that she is completely in over her head until it is too late.

The writing was good, it left some character development to be desired, but it was entertaining.  And I was surprised to find that the mother and daughter relationship was actually quite heart-warming, despite what the previews would lead you to believe. The young actresses in the film were all good in their roles and very convincing.  Unfortunately, I fear the movie put the young actresses in the very malignant spotlight it was trying to combat.

If I had to pinpoint where this movie went entirely wrong, it was the directing and cinematography.  What could have been a cute, coming of age movie, rich with topics for discussion, became a distasteful mashing of overly-sexualized, in-your face dance scenes.  Yes, that was the issue up for discussion, but it could have been alluded to without the blatant exhibition of the young actresses.

This is where the cinematography comes in.  In what world did they think that provocative camera angles and direct zooming in on the privates of an 11 year old would be ok?  You're telling me that they could not have gotten their point across from a horizontal point of view with a wide focus?

Any amateur photographer and videographer knows just how important these factors are.  This is the reason music videos are filmed from certain points of view.  Sure, Janet Jackson's "If" was raunchy in its own right because of the dance moves, but doesn't compare to, say, Nicki Minaj's "Anaconda".  The difference aside from one being dancing vs dry humping--outfits and camera angles.  

So if a video like this is made for the sheer purpose of inciting a certain response, why would you portray these exact images of little girls?  I'll spare you the examples from the film because the thought of displaying a pubescent girl's rears makes me sick.  And it isn't an isolated occurrence, but dispensed throughout the film.  How many close ups of an 11 year old's ass are we expected to swallow?

Maïmouna Doucouré should be ashamed for putting these young girls out there like that. I can't imagine any responsible parent that would exhibit their child in this manner, nor any respectable person that would think it is ok to consume this child pornography.  I can only surmise that she is willing to cater to the sick desires of pedophiles for her own profit.  Congratulations Doucouré and Netflix. I hope you can sleep at night knowing you prostituted these young actresses to create a buzz and increase your viewership. 

For anyone out there who is still undecided--I urge you not to bother with this cringe-worthy film.  It is the epitome of hypocrisy.

It's so loud in here

Yesterday I legit started silently bawling. At my desk. At work.

I had five billion things going through my mind, per usual. I’m starting to plan for a conference in October, so I want to be sure my work deadlines are taken care of before I go away. Of course that means also syncing my home life calendar because I can’t very well plan to be out for medical appointments or school events the week of a big deadline. So I started chipping away at my calendar 2 months in advance, per usual.

Some events started spilling into November, upon which I realized that my son’s birthday wasn’t in the calendar. Makes sense, because I know it. I know it. Better plug it in so I can set aside the weekend for something fun. Is it Thanksgiving weekend this year?

I hovered over the 28th. Then I hesitated for a while. 27th, 28th or 29th? Wait, I KNOW this. I think I do.  Yet, in that minute that seemed like an eternity, my brain was radio-silent. Odd, because I can never get my brain to shut up. Now you're giving me nothing?

I started to freak out. Perhaps it’s because I just finished the book, Still Alice. Am I losing my memory? Has that been happening a lot more lately?  Oh God, I have alzheimers.
Or do I just not remember my son’s birthday? What kind of mother doesn’t know her kid’s birthday? Bring on the waterworks.

A few minutes later, I composed myself. Regained control of my brain and plugged in the birthday (it really is the 28th). I know what my issue is. The ‘mental load’ has become overbearing. I read recently that the mental load tends to fall mostly on mothers and is starting to wear on us.


This mental load includes things like

Birthdays: and not just my family’s birthdays, but their best friend's birthdays. I plug those all in right away because chances are I will need to order presents in advance and set aside time for parties.

Other events/occasions: Because yes, I’m the kind of person that likes to reach out to friends on the anniversary of their loved one’s passing.  And of course I remembered teacher's week, and nurse's week, and ice cream day. It's the 3rd Sunday in July--my apologies for adding that to your list.

Household stuff: the groceries, stocking up on toiletries, supplies, creating chore charts, the mountains of laundry.

Bills: sadly, this is where I fall behind frequently. Why is there just so much mail????

ALL the school things: uniforms, shoes, who’s in what grade now? What days are they closing this semester so that I can take them off in advance?

Don't forget the emotional stuff: Are the my children balanced and happy? The incessant worry about predators and health issues. And the one that plays on a loop--Am I failing at life?

Compound all of this with the added stress of work deadlines and forget it, my mind is a weaving jungle of madness.

This is your brain on mental overload

So, is there a cure for all this?

Well of course, it's self-care. <<insert eyeroll>> 
Everyone touts the importance of taking time away for yourself. But is it really self care if you come home to a pile of heaping dishes? Is it really self-care if you're brain is inundated by pervasive thoughts of planning for the next holiday?
What about the guilt of everything you're leaving behind?

The mom guilt is real.  The mental overload is real. And it is winning. All. Of. The. Time.

30 Days of Thanks

T'is the month of thanksgiving posts. They start coming in full force and we start rolling our eyes because they seem insincere. After all, you should be giving thanks all year, right? 

Yes, we should.  But we don't. 

I'm not talking about you, Perfect Betty.  I'm talking about those of us that spend most of our days worrying about how we're going to make it through another week of work and get the chores done.  Or who is going to be home in time to pick up the kids.  Or whether our our house is going to catch fire in the middle of the night (thanks This is Us!).

Worries and fears rule just about every day of our lives.  I mentioned during my last post that fears have the ability to rob our joy.  We have to make a distinct effort not to let them.  And the best way to do this is through thanksgiving.

I talked to someone after my last post who was not convinced.  How can giving thanks make your fears go away?  It doesn't.

Giving thanks allows me to focus on what I do have.  It takes the pressure of all the things I can't control off my shoulders and emphasizes on the moment.

Before I know it, these moments are going to be gone.  My children will grow up.  We may move and have to say farewell to our friends.  Colleagues move on and the feel of the office changes.  Giving thanks in the moment is so important.

I know this is harder for some people than others. There are so many people out there who have a hard time during the holidays.  Grinches that gnarl at the sound of Christmas music.

Here is my secret. I am one of you.

I have lost and grieved over loved ones.  I have been separated from family around the holidays.  I spent almost an entire December in the hospital with an ill child.  I have known some serious valleys.  And holidays are difficult for me too.

Sometimes, I just have to make a conscious decision not to fall into a pit.*  I need to focus on things I am grateful for.

Cue, my 30 Days of Thanksgiving project.  I came up with 30 little acts of thanksgiving to do during the month of November.  If you google, you'll probably find plenty of similar lists out there.  I decided not to post my specifics because I really tailored it to my needs, things that are important to me.  Things that are difficult for me.  OK, and I might have come up with color-coordinated schedules and entire family times centered around my topic of the week.  I'm a total nerd.  It makes me happy.

Giving thanks makes me happy.

And honestly, I should really be giving thanks year 'round.  But it's never too late to start.

And so, farewell October with your fears, worries and anxieties.  Hello November, the month of thanksgiving.  A month where we can put all things into perspective and make way for joy.

*PS. I wanted to clarify that I am not, in any way, minimizing depression or anxiety.  I don't think everyone can make magically change their situations or their chemical make up in an instant.  If you need help, don't ignore the warning signs.  There is nothing wrong with seeing a therapist.  There is nothing wrong with using medications if you need it. Just don't think you are resigned to being unhappy forever and please, don't think you have to go through it alone.