Our Breastfeeding Story

My son's birthday was last week, which has led me to be ultra-emotional and reflective.  In particular, I've been thinking about how amazing he is and all that we've overcome. 

During my pregnancy, my son was diagnosed with hypoplastic left heart syndrome.  Basically, the left side of his heart did not fully develop and could not pump oxygenated blood to his body.  He would need to undergo 3 surgeries during his first two years of life.  Even if all surgeries went well, it would not guarantee that he would never need a heart transplant.  We were advised to terminate at one of the hospitals we went to, as the future would be bleak.  This was not an option.  We decided pretty quickly to switch to Children's Hospital, as they were #1 in the country for cardiology and got a better outlook.  Needless to say, the rest of the pregnancy was a miserable blur and after four months full of tests, crying, and fear we had our beautiful baby.

One of the difficulties we were forewarned about, in addition to all the terrifying medical stuff surrounding the actual surgeries, were the feeding difficulties that would follow.  He would not be able to nurse or bottle-feed before his first surgery, which was scheduled for his 5th day of life. In the meanwhile, he was encouraged to suck a pacifier.  It's funny how often they will warn against pacifiers if you hope to breastfeed.  In our case, they were our only hope that he would  keep his suck reflex strong enough to feed later.

His first surgery went amazingly well and he was extubated at 24 hours post-op!  He was a rock star in the intensive care unit.  Feeds were started via tube.  I was very fortunate to have a nice stash of breast milk for him.  Mommy had been busy pumping away.  So busy that at some point they asked me to stop bringing in milk.  I was taking up the whole freezer!  I could end world hunger, they joked.

The big day was 2 days later, when he was moved to the regular floor and was allowed to take a bottle.  I was so excited for his first feeding.  Turns out, it was uneventful.  The feeling of milk sliding down his throat and a full stomach was not appealing to him.  All the following feedings were a battle.  The more he fought it, the more weight he lost.  Oh that's the other thing about babies with hlhs--they burn calories much faster due to the extra work their heart is doing.  So they fortified my milk with formula to make it 28kcal (normal breast milk is 20kcal).  Well this was a battle for me, because it made him also vomit every feed.  I insisted he'd be able to handle breast milk without the additives.  I also insisted that shoving the feeds he wouldn't drink down a feeding tube was not helping.  Words lost in the wind.  They were the experts, they knew how to do this.

I shouldn't really say I insisted.  The truth is that I was tired, scared, and dealing with feelings of insecurity.  My husband was my biggest supporter and took over most of the battles.  I was grateful to have someone that shared my convictions about breastfeeding and had the strength to fight for it.  I worried he would never take the bottle and never be allowed to nurse.  Nursing was troublesome for the medical staff because they couldn't measure it.  They also feared it would consume too much energy.  So they hesitantly let me nurse once or twice a day.  It wasn't going very well anyways.  I started realizing that my dream of breast feeding my last baby would be near impossible. 

Finally, the 5th day after surgery we had a victory.  Several, actually.  They spun my milk in this fancy machine and figured out it was actually 35kcal.  They were so starstruck, they did it again.  Yep, 35.  No more supplementing.  Not surprising to us, he stopped vomiting every feed.  They took out the tube and he  started downing bottles with ease. 

At 7 days post op, we were ready to really work on breastfeeding.  The LC was very helpful.  The nurses seemed more annoyed at my insistence, but I was allowed to breastfeed a couple times a day.  And he did beautifully.  I think it was partially the fact that I nursed two babies already and partially the fact that I am a stubborn cow that refuses to give up.  To everyone's astonishment, we did it--we were nursing every other feed by the time we went home.  We had spent 20 days in the hospital.  I was told during my pregnancy to expect 4-6 weeks.  My boy defied the odds.  And he continues to do so.

Two weeks after we were home, I started nursing full-time.  He amazed everyone with his growth.  And I amazed them with the mere fact that I was nursing an hlhs baby.  Apparently we're one of the handful.  I'm proud and happy to prove that it can be done, but mostly I'm grateful.  Grateful for the gift I am able to give him.   Through my milk, he is able to boost his immunities.  I've nursed him through RSV, bacteremia, and his second open-heart surgery at 4 months.

I am grateful that through a period of uncertainty, I can be sure that I am giving him all he needs.  And believe me, when you're in the hospital repeatedly, there is nothing more comforting than nursing your baby to ease the pain. Most of all, I am grateful for the gift of closeness that nursing brings us.  As I snuggle up my heart baby 12 months later, I have no idea what the future will bring, but I know for certain, we've been nothing short of blessed.

Survival Parenting

Attachment parenting, Gentle parenting, natural parenting...why do we feel we need to put a label on what kind of parenting we practice?  How about survival parenting?  If I had to choose a label for what I do, that would be it.  Don't get me wrong, like most first time parents, I had illusions of grandeur when my daughter was born. I am never going to let her cry, or give her that poison labeled formula, or put her in that torture device called a stroller.  Attachment parenting was the it thing.  As she got older the perfection meter became the type of foods she ate-- jarred, homemade, junk food, organic...  Eventually it becomes public, private, or homeschool--the mother of all awesomeness being Montessori of course.  Don't you want the best for your kids?

The problem is in the assumption that parents who don't do it your way don't want the best.  There is no room for just loving and providing the best you can.  Parenting is an all-or-nothing, ruthless popularity club reminiscent of high school.  Unfortunately, the unpopular kids are dejected to the sidelines where they must forge their own way as best they can.

Well, I have good news for you.  Survival parenting accepts you into the club.  The only hardfast rules are that you must love your child immensely and make decisions based on the best you can do with your current situation.  Let's take a look at a few examples.

Pregnancy

Obviously drinking, drugs, etc is a no-no.  But who am I to tell a 30 week prey to that she can't have McDonald's fries because they might instantly set up her child for a lifetime of diabetes.  Give me a break.  Have the damn fries, you deserve it. 

Labor

Now, I'm all for doing research and making your own decision on how labor should be.  The Business of Being Born is a great film and I invite all pregnant women to watch it.  Birth is a beautiful, natural thing and  it's in the mother's and baby's best interest that it be kept that way.  But honestly, it is not a walk in the park or a vacation through France.  So leave your expectations and your birth plan at home.  Find a great midwife, OB, and/or doula that knows and cares about what's important to you and listen to your body.  I had two medicated births and one natural and hands down, the natural one has a special place in my heart.  But it's not for everyone.  So don't let people try to convince you that setting up a pool in your living room for you and you hubby to float around in your vagina juices and planting your gross, bloody placenta in you back yard is the only way.  If it's not for you, it's not for you.  Yes, I understand the placenta sustained my beautiful baby in vitro.  So did all the food I ate and was never fond of seeing it come out of my hind quarters either.

Breast or Formula

Breast is USUALLY best.  Not going to argue that.  But you have to go with your gut and examine why your making the decision to do one or the other.  If it's a selfish reason, it doesn't fit in to our survival parenting motto.  If it's just not physically possible or decreasing yours and baby's quality of life, as in the case of allergies and exclusive pumping, then thanks for trying.  Move on without guilt.  I breastfeed all of my children and was fortunate to make it through some medical issues.  I loved it and I was blessed, nothing less.  It's not the case with everyone.

And for one final issue to touch on today...

Sleep

You wouldn't believe how many people on these natural parenting forums complain about lack of sleep. Well, most parents do, but even more so. "I'm at my wits end. My 10 month old won't sleep without my boob in her mouth. I can't get anything done. I haven't seen my husband in the past week. I'm desperate. Please help. Oh, but I absolutely will not let her cry."

Well, let me tell ya, that's going to be a rough one. At 10 months your child doesn't need nutrition at night, so sorry, but you're nothing more than a glorified pacifier. Of course, you probably refused to use one for fear that she wouldn't breastfeed, which is not necessarily true. Crying is not going to kill your child, it is not going to scar them for life and they are not going to sleep in despair thinking they may never see you again. Of course, I'm not advocating abuse and letting your child cry for no reason. But teaching a child to sleep is important for their development, they NEED healthy, uninterrupted sleep.

If cry-it-out is not for you, then it's not for you. But don't bash the mothers that love their children enough to realize what's in their best interest. And yes, in the mom's best unselfish interest too, because it's hard to parent when you've been sleep deprived for months, can't concentrate at work, can't make proper decisions and start to resent your child. Crying works and the children wake up loving and expecting you the next day because believe it or not, babies are not stupid. And after a good night's sleep, they are immaculate little gentle beings ready to absorb the work like sponges.

"But what about those cultures where children never cry and bed-sharing, that helps." Those cultures are awesome and I'm all for the family bed. I'm not so inspired to go to bed at sundown, which is when children should naturally go to bed. Actually, if you want to go with true natural living, it's the time everyone should go down. That's the way they did it before electricity, remember? But if the thought of catching up on Grey's Anatomy or chatting alone with your man and a well-deserved glass of wine excite you, then I'm sorry, you've been modernized, your concept of parenting needs to be modernized too.

So now you get the general concept, at least through the early stages. Remember there is no rule book, just the general concept of survival and love. If you are stressing out, twitching from sleep deprivation, or comparing yourself to the cool kids, you're doing something wrong. Parenting is a great experience. Love your kids, let go of the guilt, and have fun! Your kids will thank you for it.

In honor of Columbus Day?

It shouldn't amaze me, and yet, I'm still slightly disappointed that Columbus day still exists and that this murderer is still glorified today.  Let's start with the first truth, he did not discover America.  Of course we all know this, the Native Americans were here.  But did you know that African civilizations had previously "discovered" it also?  Do some research into ancient civilizations of Mexico, namely the Olmecs.  It's fascinating.

Second truth, Columbus and the so-called explorers came to pillage the land irregardless of the civilizations living here peacefully.  Their guns and germs sacked an entire continent of humans.  I think sometimes in our minds, we gloss it over by ignoring that it wasn't a small tribe here and there.  It was an ENTIRE continent, two, actually.  That's insane when you think about it.

And now what remains are small packs of plantations in the hills.  How kind of us to grant them that little bit of land where the few that remain can exist peacefully.  And yet, depression, alcoholism, and meth addiction are now strong-holds in their communities.  Hardly our fault right?  See, we have this false belief that people should just get over history, take whatever bone is thrown at them, and conform to the new norm.  As if the soul of a people could be mended and made to forget.  But how could they when monsters like Columbus are still celebrated?

There is nothing I can do to change history, but there is something that I can do to honor those that are on the silent side of it.  I can research and teach my children the truth.  It's gory and sad to them but it serves our children no purpose to gloss everything over and beautify the world and human nature more than it is.  
I refuse to let my children be naive, especially when they will be faced with the real world a lot sooner than I would like.  It is our responsibility as parents to prepare our kids for what's out there and arm them with the truth, not just to sugar coat it with fairies and princesses.

I leave you with a quote...

“As soon as I arrived in the Indies, in the first island which I found, I took some of the natives by force, in order that they might learn and might give me information of whatever there is in these parts…They do not bear arms, and do not know them, for I showed them a sword, they took it by the edge and cut themselves out of ignorance. They have no arms and their spears are made of cane….They would make fine servants….With fifty men we could subjugate them all and make them do whatever we want.”

~Christopher Columbus
Captains Log, 1492

It takes an island?

It takes a village. At least it used to.  It used to be that people knew the value of the whole village raising, disciplining, and really loving children.  Nowadays, it's more like and island. We're on our own figuring out this parenting thing.  And the more independent we become, the more we teach our children to be the same.  I think in large part, children are not respectful of others is because they're not taught to esteem the discipline of other elders.
How often do you see a helicopter mom fly get in the way of a good schooling her child is about to receive?  "Don't you yell at my child!"  "Mind your business."  What does that say to the child? " I don't have to respect this lady, she's not my mom."  A favorite saying of teens nowadays. This sets up a bad culture for the care-takers, educators, and even spouses of the future.
Boys are taught from an early age to be disrespectful to women except for their beloved moms.  This eventually translates into how  they will treat their wives.  Girls are taught to stand their ground and not to take "it" from nobody.  In the long run, they have a problem submitting to their husbands because after all, they aren't their daddy's.
Am I over reacting? Really? Well perhaps our <50% divorce rate indicates otherwise? Couples can't see past differences, can't agree on parenting, can't submit to one another.

What about our incivility toward others? Hop on any form of public transport and you'll quickly see what I mean.  Offering a seat to the elderly is an unwelcome task to our modern-day gentlemen.  How have we managed to get so disconnected from our humanity?

What about our failing education system? There are several fingers to point there, but ultimately, it is the students that do not take it seriously and the parents that do not back up the teachers.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating hitting other's children or out-of-place melding. But if I don't notice my child doing something wrong, feel free to give them a verbal reprimand. In my experience, it has more weight when it doesn't come from me anyways.  Sure, there have been times when I've disagreed with what an elder is complaining about (especially when it comes to my Little Lion's wild spirit) but I keep that to myself.  I try not to send the message that it's ok to disrespect your elders.
In fact, I can't imagine how hard it is for them nowadays.  A generation that grew up with so much guidance has now seen their years of experience and Influence wither away to meaningless babble.  And we suffer too because we no longer have the wisdom of those seasoned in this parenting gig.
We are now plagued with the responsibility of parenting our children all on our own. It's difficult and honestly, quite lonely.  I can't tell you how many times I hung my head in shame because I just didn't know what I could do to get my children to be model citizens. How many times I beat myself up because I just couldn't keep up with the house and be a parent at the same time.  And there were the nights I cried because it was too much-- I yelled at my kids; I was mean; I was imperfect.  And I felt alone.
I should note that I have a fantastic husband who is an amazing father. So if I felt this way, I can't imagine what others might feel like.  It's sad that we have to feel this way when we were never meant to do it alone.  No one is an island and no one should have to parent like one.  Now, where is my village?

Conscious Parenting

I've been thinking a lot lately about false beliefs. In the psychology world, these are misconceptions that we hold dearly in our inner psyche. They are subconscious beliefs that govern our attitudes in life.
Did you know that most of our habits, beliefs, and especially misconceptions, were developed during our childhood? Of course you knew that, but did you really KNOW that? Have you ever taken the time to contemplate why you act, think, and most importantly, react a certain way?

For example, I am a mom on the move. I don't have time for nonsense. I need to go, go, go. Things to do. The problem with that is that it makes life hard to enjoy. It causes me to rush my children through life, especially my middle child--My Little Lion.
My Little Lion is almost my mirror image. She's so much like me it hurts. She's independent, quietly observant, and very head-strong. She's also incredibly, meticulously sloooooooow. I am constantly yelling at her to get moving. 
"Why are you so slow?" 
"Hurry up!" 

Now isn't it odd that I remember my mother saying the same to me. Me of all people! But I'm soooooo FAST!

Sigh.

Light bulb.  I get it.

I wasn't always this swift. I was compelled into a lifestyle of endless rushing because life just couldn't wait for me. Somewhere along the line, I came to truly believe that life will pass me by if I didn't hurry to catch up.  And the irony is that life IS passing me by and I am not enjoying it.  Roses are not worth stopping to smell because there's a bus to catch. The sunset is undeserving of careful observation because dinner needs to get on the table. I'm afraid that if I don't stop to think about this and challenge this false belief, the same thing will happen to my daughter. Everything that makes her who she is--her conscientious  observing nature, will have no place in this fast-paced world. I will have yanked it out of her like a weed and all that will be left is the same damaging false belief: "Hurry up! Life will not wait for you."

And there are far more damaging beliefs I can pass on: women are unworthy of being loved; sexual attention is a form of flattery;  it's ok to react violently towards your children because that's the way we've always gotten them to listen...and soon and so forth. The more I think about ways I react to certain things, the more I see these false beliefs I developed in my early years. Sure, some of it is nature, but so much more is nurture.
It's a vicious cycle. This is why people that are abused will abuse, children of alcoholics will themselves develop vices. It takes a conscious decision to break the cycle. I have made the realization that I simply cannot parent mindlessly. My children are blank slates, and if my voice is to become their subconscious, I'd like for it be a voice of reason.
It's not easy to change. I struggle to be more patient everyday.  I'm not perfect and probably never will be. But I will parent consciously.  That's a start.

Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This

Actually, she didn't.  Looking back, I realize my own mother taught me very little about life and how to deal with it.  And the deeper o look back, I realize it's because she's still trying to figure it out.

Well, I'm 30 and I have 3 children. I don't want to be perpetually "figuring it out".  I want to have some wisdom to impart to my children. So I'm figuring it out now and I'm passing it on. I figure the answers must be locked in my soul, and if I'd just take the time to listen, I’d get it.  So here goes my mission to figure out this thing called life and how to pass it on to my children.  So that someday they can say, “My Mama said there’d be days like this” with hope and a smile.